Non-Christian Weddings? What do you think?

  As a Christian pastor I will, of course, gladly perform a wedding ceremony for a Christian couple. I will, under no consideration, perform a wedding for an unequally yoked couple (1 Christian and 1 non-Christian). But, until this last week, I've never been faced with the prospect of performing a wedding for a non-Christian couple and I'd love to hear your thoughts as I think this one through.

This last week I've received two requests to perform a wedding for non-Christians. The first comes from a nearby prison inmate. He's heard of me through his brother (who's in my church) and he'd like me to perform a wedding for him and his girlfriend during prison visiting hours sometime in 2007 (he's scheduled for release sometime in 2008). The second request comes from my non-Christian cousin and his non-Christian fiance.

I've never been faced with such requests before and so I'm thinking through the theology of all this for the first time. On the one hand, I want to say "no" to both requests because I believe that marriage is designed to have Christ at the center of it. Marriage is, as the apostle Paul makes clear, a reflection of the union we have with Christ. Without Christ, a marriage may (in the best of circumstances) be pleasant and manageable, but it won't be deeply healthy and it won't honor Christ. So, on this line of thinking I'm inclined to say "no," not wanting to be responsible for joining a couple into a marital union that doesn't honor Christ and that has a lesser chance of survival.

On the other hand, these two couples will get married no matter what--whether I'm the one who performs the ceremony or not. Plus, the gospel calls me to love my non-Christian neighbors and to find points of common grace where I can affirm my neighbors' hopes and aspirations, showing them that these hopes will find their true resolution only in Christ. Along this line of thinking, there's a case to be made that I could perform a non-Christian wedding in such a manner that's faithful to the gospel and loving to the non-Christian couple. To do so I would need to make it clear and compelling to these couples that their marriages can become truly great and healthy only through grasping the unbreakable marriage we have with Christ--the ultimate groom who suffered in order to cleanse filthy sinners, clothe us in spotless white robes, and bring us into eternal union (marriage) with him. This line of thinking makes me want to say "yes" to the wedding requests.

Perhaps I could have a significant ministry to these couples (through some pre-marital counseling sessions and through the ceremony itself) and to the family, friends, and prison guards in attendance at the ceremony?

What do you think? Please take a moment to share your comments and thoughts. I'd really like to hear what all of you think about this.

Comments

[Scott Stewart]

Justin,

Marriage is a creation ordianance for all people, so I beleive you should do the wedding. What an opportunity to share the gospel of grace with a couple! I suggest you meet with them at least 6 times for pre-marital counseling, stressing that they don't have sex until their wedding night. I have found when I have done pre-marital counseling with non-believers, they think I'm crazy for asking them to not live together or have sex. I tell them that the chances for divorce are 3 times higher for people who live together and having sex than those who don't. The last couple I did this for did not move out from one another, but they did abstain from sex for a whole 2 weeks before their wedding! Pretty cool for non-Christians. After the wedding (which I did not do, b/c they had already chosen a pastor before they met me), the wife told me, "Somewhere between our first counseling session and the wedding day, I got converted to the gospel." Amen, prasie God. We are still praying for her husband, as he is not a beleiver...yet.

[Scott Stewart]

Justin,

For another point of view and probably more accurate theologically from my previous post, check out this link:

http://thirdmill.org/answers/answer.asp/file/99701.qna/category/th/page/questions/site/iiim

[Mike Edwards]

Justin

I think this is, at least in part, an issue of conscience and however you end up deciding, it is something that needs to be consistently applied.

I, too, wouldn't marry a Christian and non-Christian (even though some would still say it's better to marry than to burn) but if I was going to marry two non-Christians I would definitely only do it if they went through pre-marital counseling and also unless they were Christians I wouldn't proclaim that this marriage is honoring Christ. At least in Michigan, I can marry people without having to be "religious".

Mike

[Michael Foster]

I want echo Edwards thoughts on this.

just a question, if a couple is having sex outside of marriage and they aren't Christians, but want to be married, wouldn't it be better they get married? Not inside the Church, but in another place? Would a pastor then have an opportunity to sow some seeds of the Gospel? I do wonder what Jesus would do here. Would he not marry them, or preach the Gospel in the process, hoping for harvest at some point? Or, would he send them away to a secular Judge? Good discussion.

[Michael Foster]

Justin, Drew Goodmanson does the pre-martial stuff at Kaleo and he might be a good guy to consult. If I remember correctly he has tackled this issue thoroughly.

[Abby]

Justin,

I definitely don't have any experience in the matter so this might not help, but, would it be better to have them married by someone who does believe and who could share the gospel with them or someone who was an unbeliever who couldn't?

[J. Buzzard]

Thanks for all your comments everybody. This is helpful to me.

[Mark Buzzard]

You should definitely do it bro. No question about it. That is the best way to minister to people in my opinion. Proclaim the truth in the pre-counseling and ceremony along w/ the bride and grooms requests. You da man!

[Jeremiah]

This is tough- how do you urge them to love one another (as Christ loves the Church, etc.) when they are outside of Christ?

Just be prepared also if one of them becomes a believer through any pre-marital counseling. Then you have the awkward position of refusing to marry them! Much wisdom is needed in this one, brother!

[Terry Stauffer]

After 17 years of pastoring, I don't find this question any easier. You have to evaluate each request individually.

One passage that has helped me in preparation is 2 Cor. 2:14-16. I must be conscious of smelling like Christ TO GOD first. If a couple doesn't like it, they have opportunity to run away during the mandatory premarital sessions. If they are attracted to the Gospel, then I can be thankful for God's work though His Word.

Another thing that helps - and you probably do - is to write a letter explaining your requirements before you say yes. This way the couple can back out if your plans are too "weird" for them before you have the first session.

[Anthony John]

My unsaved sister-in-law and her fiance wondered how to involve me in their wedding. We live in Colorado, where anyone can perform the ceremony...the fact that I'm a minister may be secondary.

I welcome the opportunity to talk with them about my happy marriage of almost 18 years, about God's place in their lives and relationship, and about where they can turn when things get tough.

[Laurie]

As a pastor's wife of 24 years, I can attest to the difficulty my husband has had in making such decisions. It becomes especially complicated when divorce is thrown into the equation. Basically his position has finally lined out to, if both are unsaved he'll do the wedding with counseling, but not in the church. He doesn't want to give a false impression to them that they are having a Christian wedding.

[Alan Wilson]

The fact that these people have asked you to be involved is a possible indicator that God is stirring their circumstances: you may be the next link.

[Mary Schaller]

I think you are given an amazing opportunity to bring these young people to Christ through the marriage process or at a minimum to bring them closer to finding a relationship with Jesus Christ through your pre-maritial counseling sessions and the wedding itself. You have a golden opportunity to preach to a large group of unbelievers at the wedding too and possibly bring a few into the Kingdom there too.

Ephesians 5:16-17 reminds us to "make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil ways. Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do." As you learned through your prodigal son sermons, our Father rejoices when a lost one comes home. He loves these lost ones that are coming to you right now for a practical need. My prayer for you is that you will make the most of every opportunity God gives you to reach the lost.

[Paula Osorio]

Scott Stewart's sharing of a website info from thridmill.org is very powerful..I have been thinking and pondering over this one.. basically it says.. give to Ceasar what is Ceasar's and to God what is God's. I think you have to stay true to the convenant...Isn't that the basis of our redemption? Isn't it what we needed to restore our relationship with Our Father? and why marriage is ordained between a man and a woman? 'cause if you do a "civil" marriage by government standard..you could find yourself ..by government standards to perform a "civil" ceremony between a man and a man?? Yes or No?? I can understand the whole "being a witness for Christ thing" in sharing with them what marriage represents and why it is sacred...but at what cost??Never that of the Gospel..
Paula

[MW]

Good discussion. I’m still undecided, but just food for thought...I was married outside the United States in Austria. The Austrian government no longer recognizes religious ceremonies for marriage unions...only civil ceremonies before a magistrate. Christians in Austria are forced to marry before a judge first and then before a pastor if they desire. I was saddened to have to marry before a magistrate and was concerned that God would not recognize my union. I was reminded that Jesus recognized and submitted to man's law even when unjustly crucified. I would hate to think that the United States would stop recognizing religious marriage unions. We, unfortunately, live in a state where our lawmakers try to make Christianity an inconvenience. If for no better reason, why not marry non-Christians for the sake of keeping religious unions alive? What a way to minister to non-Christians and share with them God’s design for marriage. Just food for thought.

[Phil]

Justin,

I'm a new visitor to your blog (a visitor from Tim Challies' "à la carte" link on 2/1). Your dilemma reminded me of a portion of prose in a book by Jay E. Adams, "Shepherding God's Flock: A Handbook on Pastoral Ministry, Counseling, and Leadership." Sadly, many Christians don't know who Jay Adams is, in spite of his voluminous and outstanding works, but many pastors have heard of him. I'm hoping you've heard of him. Chapter 7 of "Shepherding God's Flock" is about premarital counseling. Of course it covers a lot of ground, but the situation you reference is covered here as well. On page 242 and following he covers the three possible relationships: 1.) Two believers; 2) Two unbelievers; 3) a believer and an unbeliever. Regarding the role of a pastor and the second combination, Dr. Adams writes:
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"Let us now turn to relationship number 2. The contemplated marriage of two unbelievers. Here conservative pastors are widely divided over the practical question. There is little or no disagreement over the fact that the marriage of unbelievers to one another is proper, desirable and recognized by God. Is that a satisfactory basis, however, for the participation of a Christian minister in the wedding ceremony? Some say "yes." They maintain that since the practice is proper, the minister's participation is also. Others distinguish between the minister as an agent of the state in performing marriages and an agent of Jesus Christ in ministering the word, and insist that it is purely as the former that he officiates in such cases.

Against these views, several things may be said. First, the Christian minister is requested to perform the wedding as a minister and not merely as an agent of the state. (When have you ever known anyone to request that you act only in the latter capacity?) That is why his services -- rather than those of a justice of the peace -- were sought. Because of superstition, sentimentality, or whatever, the church wedding frequently is chosen over the purely civil one. Moreover, the pastor may be able to make precise theoretical distinctions in his own mind, but the persons present at the ceremony will not. To think that a minister conducting a wedding ceremony can adequately convey to participants or to the assembled gathering that he is acting solely as an agent of the state in a merely civil capacity is (to say the least) self deceptive.

But of greater importance is the fact that a Christian wedding -- with vows taken before God, with the reading of scriptural portions that refer to Christians only, exhortation that pertain to believers alone, the pronouncing of the blessing of the triune God upon the man and his wife together with His benediction -- all of these constitute far more than a civil ceremony! Indeed, it constitutes so much more that it may be said to be nothing less than a Christian worship service. It is the performance of a sham, or of a mock Christian wedding, by persons who are not Christians. When a Christian minister assists non-Christians in taking vows before a God whom they do not know, he participates in hypocrisy and encourages and aids them in the perpetration of a lie. And, as a final thought it is necessary to ask: why should a Christian minister care to function merely as an agent of the state anyway -- particularly when he runs a such a great risk of being misunderstood?

What does one do when he finds that the persons who have come to the first [premarital counselling] session do not qualify? First, he tells them so in loving, clear terms and explains why. Whenever there is reason to do so, he holds forth realistic hope. ("Let's meet several times and discuss the Gospel.") That is to say, the unsaved persons (or person) may be evangelized. Upon a genuine profession of faith followed by acceptance into the membership of a discipling church, the qualifications for marriage change. Moreover, a Christian -- unqualified because of past matters yet unsettled -- may by God's grace deal with these and thus remove his disqualifications.

Ministers who turned unsaved persons away with no attempt to evangelize them missed an important opportunity. At this crucial turning point in life, it is sometimes true that God in His providence chooses to work powerfully to bring about the conversion of His elect people and to restore wayfaring Christians to repentance. The opportunities for such ministry must not be lost. Disqualified persons ought not to be simply turned away. Postponements, opportunity to counsel fully about what stands in the way, eight in assisting the perspective man and wife in clearing up past problems, ought to be suggested and pursued." (Shepherding God's Flock, pgs 243-244)
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Okay, I did my best to read that out loud and hope my voice dictation software got all the words right! To be perfectly honest, I have mixed feelings about his conclusion, but I cannot argue with his premises, which I see as honoring God and His intention for the Church's witness to a lost and dying world. So often in this debate (and I've seen it before) everybody's wrapped up in what the unsaved couple will think and whether we will be giving them the Gospel. Of course we will be giving them the Gospel! But that doesn't mean we're obligated to marry them, or pronounce blessing or sanctification in the lives of two people who live at enmity with their Savior as Christ-rejecting souls who are still dead in their sins. As Dr. Adams points out, we should be just as concerned about our witness *for* the Lord as our witness *to* the world. If people use the house of the Lord to "play church" for a day, it's because we let them.

For two non-christians to:
enter into a covenant they don't understand;
in a Church they reject;
in the name of a Savior they deny;
paying sentimental lipservice to "god" when their hearts are far from Him;
before witnesses who think that God conveys His blessing...
...seems troubling at best, is it not?.

[Tom]

Hey JB.

Cut to the chase...I look at it this way:while I was still in darkness Christ died for me.
If the couple will commit to Biblical Pre-Marriage Counseling and listen to the Christian message pertaining to marriage, then I would take that opportunity to PREACH the good news, plant the seeds of the Gospel and allow the Holy Spirit to do the work only the Spirit can do. Basically: if the couple will go along with your standard of conducting the wedding, then I say go for it and shine for the Lord.

[Rebecca]

I seem to be in the minority here in that i am not Christian. Tried it for a while, god and I had a falling out, but that is beside the point. If these people want you to marry them, I would think it would be an honor. Do it for that reason, not to try to convert them. Have respect for their decision NOT to be Christians, regardless of your opinion of that decision.
That is my opinion, as a non-Christian.
Also, this response was posted by someone in late January: "This is tough- how do you urge them to love one another (as Christ loves the Church, etc.) when they are outside of Christ?" I resent the implication that non-Christians do not have as great a capacity for love as Christians do. That is small minded and ignorant.
Perhaps that is one example of the reason i am no longer "saved"
rebecca

[J. Buzzard]

Thanks for your comment Rebecca.

[Sean Ferri]

I put some thought into this. My initial thinking was to say yes to marrying two non-Christians. I could not put words to my thoughts except to say that two non-Christians wanted to enter into a covenant that reflected Christ and the church.

Then I read a passage in Chuck Colson's book, "How Now Shall We Live":

"... the Lord's cultural commission is inseparable from the great commission... The only task of the church, may fundamentalists and evangelicals have believed, is to save as many lost souls as possible from a world literally going to hell. But this implicit denial of a Christian view is unbiblical and is the reason we have lost so much of our influence in the world. Salvation does not consist simply of freedom from sin: salvation also means being restored to the task we were given in the beginning—the job of creating culture.

I realized that part of marriage and marrying people is developing a Christian culture. We need to encourage anything we can that reflects God’s culture and God’s will.

Hope that helps.